this is it.....

Don't know what to think of things right now but pretty sure this is it... It's a complicated mess that may break me or god willing make things better. A change is in the air what that change is I can not speak of but indeed it is coming sooner than I had anticipated you might ask is it a change "for better or worse" there in lays the answer to the question. A change of heart a change of mind of body and soul.... Promise yourself one thing! it will in fact get better. we might hit a road block here and there but this I do promise it will all be okay, everything will be fine and yes my dear we can be happy now. we may fear it on the inside but on the outside make it look like you have nothing to fear, " no one can harm you without your permission" for the time is now to show the world what you are made of and give everything you have to offer to the one you love. Love may sound like a simple word in this case but in fact could have a million different meanings. Are you confused yet I know I am but that's the point this life of ours is a puzzle in which we must find out where the pieces fit.
show them we can make it work and that in the end it is us against the world.

What a day to give a damn

I loved you with no holding back and until this moment I still did even though you pushed me off the edge now I lay here shattered on the floor wishing for death waiting for the light..... it's not coming it never will your never coming back and neither are the pieces of my heart you took.`to love and to lose that's the way my life continues to go. I'm falling apart leave me here forever in the dark, for the day is vastly getting better in a hurry i wanted to cry and be depressed but i can't find it in myself i cried for a brief moment and now i'm fine and ready to be ok, shortly after i calmed myself i realized it's going to be ok and life is going to be great i will be nothing but happy and there will be someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. I AM BEAUTIFUL! and i know for a fact there is someone out there right now who thinks that and they haven't even met me yet...

Finally!

I'm finally starting to be ok with the way things are yes I still suck at being alone but somehow I have managed to find a simple small kind of happiness that keeps me going, I think things will look up more soon what with school starting and what not.
it's still hard to see his face he likes to pretend it never happened, we were never together a sad attempt to forget and be happy at best I know he still hurts like I do he can't hide it from me, I've tried everything to replace him or be mad at him but I can't it doesn't work I still love him more than I should I can't help it he is the only one I've ever comes so close to spending forever with for some reason unknown to me he still holds part of me the most important part of me my heart! And by damn I want it back only then can I totally be ok.

Falling

I tried to fix it and it all fell apart nothing leaves bigger holes in my heart, my empty heart tears streaming and the sting of them on my cheeks bitter sweet the love that was morning over lost that loved, alone in an empty room I sit trying not to feel the empty pit it grows in my stomach from the pain oh how it makes me sick, sick to think about the love once gained in the blink of an eye is lost.



I feel like my world is spinning my heart broken once more the pieces all over the floor. tell me when the hurt stops and the smiles return. one year five months seven days and countless hours, all gone over something that should have been nothing.
Where did it go wrong when did we lose ourselves when i thought our love was so strong. you already stopped saying you love me i question did you ever really? love me that is, i feel so lost shut down and broken if i wasn't messed up before i sure as hell am now.

barbie syndrom

Feeling plastic feeling fake how much more can I take? good fucking question I feel cold and hard numb and out of it all I wanna feel again I don't want to hurt and be sick to my stomach all the time. Love is blind it will take over your mind hold you in places you don't want to be I'm sick thinking about walking away my hair falls out my heart breaks i just would rather die than hurt myself and him like this. this is one time when i have to ask what did i do to deserve the men i have had in my life? will i ever get it right? will he ever stop making this so hard? i cry myself to sleep more often than not because when he makes me mad this is how it goes or when it's my fault i cry and granted i started it this time but it hurts the he doesn't like to be romantic he is sweet when i'm sick or hurt but on a day to day he barely touches me i have to whine and cry to get anything from him i gave all i had to give and got all this in return so i go cold and emotionless for my own good if there are no high expectations there is no fear and no pain so i remain played with and put on a shelf when he's done just like a barbie doll.

Waking up.

I feel cold and a little empty I woke up this morning to the realization that my cousin passed away I've known since last night but it didn't hit me for real till when I woke up today. We were close for a really long time and then as life often does it split us away so we weren't so close anymore so I question why do I feel so strange and empty and morn for someone I in a sense hardly knew? I do know part of it is because she was and is the strongest person I have ever met no matter how hard it got or how painful it was she never once wanted to talk about her problems to me it was always how are you? whats going on with you? never once did she complain to me about how bad things were or how much she hurt, it tends to make me feel guilty for spilling my guts to her when she had it worse I find myself wishing I had talked to her more when I had the chance. she will forever remain my hero and my inspiration to push on when times get hard and no matter how bad it hurts god always has a plan and a reason behind the things he does. The saying live every day as if it was your last has never rung more true then in this moment people die younger and younger every day so make every moment count and hold on to hope even when there isn't any left.

My own white knight

I'm not a damsel in distress! you are not my white knight! and I don't need saving I saved myself along time ago.

I don't ask for help because it's pointless when I don't need it I'm an independent woman and I always will be there is no changing that it's the way I was raised and I don't see a problem with it, I've always told myself I want to be in a relationship with someone because I want to be with that person not because I need that person because needing someone just to get by is not a real relationship nor is it real love it's a form of clingy self loathing and a fear of being alone, well I no longer free being alone because I'd rather be alone than feel the pain of a needy relationship.

Forgive me men of the world for not being to one who needs taking care of it's just not in my nature and never will be, because the one time I let someone take care of me they hurt me and sucked the life right out of me and that's the last thing I want. Love is not supposed to hurt, it's not supposed to be messy or make you want to scream however it is supposed to sometimes be complicated.

screaming, yelling, walking away, none of these are ways to handle the problems found in the complications of love. The mature thing to do is talk about it share just how you feel tears not a bad thing to share except when they are out of anger.

The point of all this writing is Cody and I had a huge fight last night and we almost lost each other to the anger, if things end with us I don't want it to be out of anger I want it to be an agreement that we just can't be happy together as lovers, I tend to make it a goal well more of a habit than a goal to stay friends with the people I once loved because they are some of the best friends I have and I wouldn't want to lose them.


Trying to fix the problem is a lot harder than creating the problem. Not knowing how to make this all ok is driving me crazy the thoughts of hiding in a bottle of pills or a nice strong drink cross my mind at every turn to just make it all go away but I know it wont fix it because it will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I need to make it right not cover it up, there is a pit in my stomach telling me this isn't going to be the happy ending I thought it would be.

Life it's about time.

I have decided that instead of waiting around for something that might not ever happen I'm going to grab life with both hands and do something about making my dreams come true. I might not always get what I want but this is the one thing I want and I will have come hell or high water I'm tried of settling for the things I don't necessarily want it's pointless it doesn't make me happy, so I'm reaching for the stars and going after what I truly want. In the coming months I have decided to move myself to Rexburg Idaho as of today I sent in the enrollment form for the hair academy that's right I'm finally making my dream of being a hair dresser come true and I've never felt more proud of myself than I do right now. True it's not by any means going to be easy but when it's something i want as bad as this it's going to be well worth the sacrifice, I'm saying goodbye to childhood and becoming the woman I want to be, something are going to need to majorly change in the next little while for everything to fit in my perfectly imperfect picture.

stopping to look at life.

Today has been one of those days where a lot of things have gone wrong and i whined to a lot of people but then I stopped because I came across my cousins blog, and I realized no things aren't great in life right now where I stand but they could be worse she has been through more crap than I will ever have to go through and does she stop and complain never once have I heard her say poor me why me nothing of that sort, so I have to ask myself what exactly do I have to say poor me about? I have to say if you ever read this cuz your are the greatest example in my life of how to be strong and push forward no matter what life throws at you.

Life is what you make it and instead of whining and worrying about what other people think I am going to be strong no matter what.
I can make things better for myself instead of sitting around doing nothing about it and whining about life, only one person can fix my problems and that is me!

Lift your head up tomorrow is always brighter than today.

I make the path for myself and god has a big plan for me nothing and no one will ever get in the way of my dreams.

I am a strong woman and no one can tell me otherwise and anyone who tries can just piss of your not worth my time.


I learned from someone stronger than I will ever be to go forward in life no matter how much it hurts.