Waking up.

I feel cold and a little empty I woke up this morning to the realization that my cousin passed away I've known since last night but it didn't hit me for real till when I woke up today. We were close for a really long time and then as life often does it split us away so we weren't so close anymore so I question why do I feel so strange and empty and morn for someone I in a sense hardly knew? I do know part of it is because she was and is the strongest person I have ever met no matter how hard it got or how painful it was she never once wanted to talk about her problems to me it was always how are you? whats going on with you? never once did she complain to me about how bad things were or how much she hurt, it tends to make me feel guilty for spilling my guts to her when she had it worse I find myself wishing I had talked to her more when I had the chance. she will forever remain my hero and my inspiration to push on when times get hard and no matter how bad it hurts god always has a plan and a reason behind the things he does. The saying live every day as if it was your last has never rung more true then in this moment people die younger and younger every day so make every moment count and hold on to hope even when there isn't any left.

My own white knight

I'm not a damsel in distress! you are not my white knight! and I don't need saving I saved myself along time ago.

I don't ask for help because it's pointless when I don't need it I'm an independent woman and I always will be there is no changing that it's the way I was raised and I don't see a problem with it, I've always told myself I want to be in a relationship with someone because I want to be with that person not because I need that person because needing someone just to get by is not a real relationship nor is it real love it's a form of clingy self loathing and a fear of being alone, well I no longer free being alone because I'd rather be alone than feel the pain of a needy relationship.

Forgive me men of the world for not being to one who needs taking care of it's just not in my nature and never will be, because the one time I let someone take care of me they hurt me and sucked the life right out of me and that's the last thing I want. Love is not supposed to hurt, it's not supposed to be messy or make you want to scream however it is supposed to sometimes be complicated.

screaming, yelling, walking away, none of these are ways to handle the problems found in the complications of love. The mature thing to do is talk about it share just how you feel tears not a bad thing to share except when they are out of anger.

The point of all this writing is Cody and I had a huge fight last night and we almost lost each other to the anger, if things end with us I don't want it to be out of anger I want it to be an agreement that we just can't be happy together as lovers, I tend to make it a goal well more of a habit than a goal to stay friends with the people I once loved because they are some of the best friends I have and I wouldn't want to lose them.


Trying to fix the problem is a lot harder than creating the problem. Not knowing how to make this all ok is driving me crazy the thoughts of hiding in a bottle of pills or a nice strong drink cross my mind at every turn to just make it all go away but I know it wont fix it because it will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I need to make it right not cover it up, there is a pit in my stomach telling me this isn't going to be the happy ending I thought it would be.

Life it's about time.

I have decided that instead of waiting around for something that might not ever happen I'm going to grab life with both hands and do something about making my dreams come true. I might not always get what I want but this is the one thing I want and I will have come hell or high water I'm tried of settling for the things I don't necessarily want it's pointless it doesn't make me happy, so I'm reaching for the stars and going after what I truly want. In the coming months I have decided to move myself to Rexburg Idaho as of today I sent in the enrollment form for the hair academy that's right I'm finally making my dream of being a hair dresser come true and I've never felt more proud of myself than I do right now. True it's not by any means going to be easy but when it's something i want as bad as this it's going to be well worth the sacrifice, I'm saying goodbye to childhood and becoming the woman I want to be, something are going to need to majorly change in the next little while for everything to fit in my perfectly imperfect picture.