To love and lose and keep on loving.

Love is supposed to be simple and last forever right? Wrong it doesn't and it's not, I met my perfect fit only to find it was to good to be true. I have loved and lost and kept on loving but this time was different he was perfect and seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of little did I know it was indeed just that a Dream a fake and about a month ago I finally woke up. To think I was actually dumb enough to think someone could actually truly love me, I've been in love before but it was never like this it was always easy to let go and to say goodbye but not this time this time hurt so bad I can't eat I don't sleep and all I think bout is him and no one else he's in my dreams he's in my thoughts 24/7 I can't make him go away I feel him even though he's not here, my things still smell like him everything reminds me of what we had and how happy I was for the first time. He walked into my life when I didn't want to love anyone and he walked out just when I actually needed someone, I feel like I'm going crazy it's never hurt this much to try and move on. It takes everything I have to pretend to be okay all the time I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I never wake up smiling like I once did because I wake up alone and know that he's not coming back to me. I don't know where I went wrong or how I could have done it different to make him stay, I want him back and I know he's never coming back and maybe it's what's best but there are things I just can't get over right now. I don't know weather to be angry or hurt I'm at a loss, he pride into my life and made me talk about things I tried to forget promised he'd help me through it and then left who does that? I'm messed up enough I didn't more help feeling it. I hate you so why can't I get you out of my head? you drive me crazy so why can't I stop missing you? you ripped out my heart like I never had one so why can't I stop loving you?

The dictionary defines the word love as.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.


I define the word love as.
1.betrayal
2.emotional abuse
3.mental abuse
4.physical abuse
5.lies
6.drugs
7.alcoholis\
8.anger
9.false emotion
10.PAIN

you might find yourself asking why do I define love in those thing?
And my answer is because that is until about four months ago all I ever knew of love and now again it's all I know of love. every person who has ever told me they loved me outside of my family members and close friends lied to get one thing or another from me, they never actually love me and they never will they are just as fake as I have to be now to get by in life. I feel nothing but sadness when I think of the word love.


Heartbreak is all I know for now but alas I can't stop loving him and I wish I could but I wont be able to until someone shows me what real love truly is.