To love and lose and keep on loving.

Love is supposed to be simple and last forever right? Wrong it doesn't and it's not, I met my perfect fit only to find it was to good to be true. I have loved and lost and kept on loving but this time was different he was perfect and seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of little did I know it was indeed just that a Dream a fake and about a month ago I finally woke up. To think I was actually dumb enough to think someone could actually truly love me, I've been in love before but it was never like this it was always easy to let go and to say goodbye but not this time this time hurt so bad I can't eat I don't sleep and all I think bout is him and no one else he's in my dreams he's in my thoughts 24/7 I can't make him go away I feel him even though he's not here, my things still smell like him everything reminds me of what we had and how happy I was for the first time. He walked into my life when I didn't want to love anyone and he walked out just when I actually needed someone, I feel like I'm going crazy it's never hurt this much to try and move on. It takes everything I have to pretend to be okay all the time I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I never wake up smiling like I once did because I wake up alone and know that he's not coming back to me. I don't know where I went wrong or how I could have done it different to make him stay, I want him back and I know he's never coming back and maybe it's what's best but there are things I just can't get over right now. I don't know weather to be angry or hurt I'm at a loss, he pride into my life and made me talk about things I tried to forget promised he'd help me through it and then left who does that? I'm messed up enough I didn't more help feeling it. I hate you so why can't I get you out of my head? you drive me crazy so why can't I stop missing you? you ripped out my heart like I never had one so why can't I stop loving you?

The dictionary defines the word love as.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.


I define the word love as.
1.betrayal
2.emotional abuse
3.mental abuse
4.physical abuse
5.lies
6.drugs
7.alcoholis\
8.anger
9.false emotion
10.PAIN

you might find yourself asking why do I define love in those thing?
And my answer is because that is until about four months ago all I ever knew of love and now again it's all I know of love. every person who has ever told me they loved me outside of my family members and close friends lied to get one thing or another from me, they never actually love me and they never will they are just as fake as I have to be now to get by in life. I feel nothing but sadness when I think of the word love.


Heartbreak is all I know for now but alas I can't stop loving him and I wish I could but I wont be able to until someone shows me what real love truly is.

this is it.....

Don't know what to think of things right now but pretty sure this is it... It's a complicated mess that may break me or god willing make things better. A change is in the air what that change is I can not speak of but indeed it is coming sooner than I had anticipated you might ask is it a change "for better or worse" there in lays the answer to the question. A change of heart a change of mind of body and soul.... Promise yourself one thing! it will in fact get better. we might hit a road block here and there but this I do promise it will all be okay, everything will be fine and yes my dear we can be happy now. we may fear it on the inside but on the outside make it look like you have nothing to fear, " no one can harm you without your permission" for the time is now to show the world what you are made of and give everything you have to offer to the one you love. Love may sound like a simple word in this case but in fact could have a million different meanings. Are you confused yet I know I am but that's the point this life of ours is a puzzle in which we must find out where the pieces fit.
show them we can make it work and that in the end it is us against the world.

What a day to give a damn

I loved you with no holding back and until this moment I still did even though you pushed me off the edge now I lay here shattered on the floor wishing for death waiting for the light..... it's not coming it never will your never coming back and neither are the pieces of my heart you took.`to love and to lose that's the way my life continues to go. I'm falling apart leave me here forever in the dark, for the day is vastly getting better in a hurry i wanted to cry and be depressed but i can't find it in myself i cried for a brief moment and now i'm fine and ready to be ok, shortly after i calmed myself i realized it's going to be ok and life is going to be great i will be nothing but happy and there will be someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. I AM BEAUTIFUL! and i know for a fact there is someone out there right now who thinks that and they haven't even met me yet...

Finally!

I'm finally starting to be ok with the way things are yes I still suck at being alone but somehow I have managed to find a simple small kind of happiness that keeps me going, I think things will look up more soon what with school starting and what not.
it's still hard to see his face he likes to pretend it never happened, we were never together a sad attempt to forget and be happy at best I know he still hurts like I do he can't hide it from me, I've tried everything to replace him or be mad at him but I can't it doesn't work I still love him more than I should I can't help it he is the only one I've ever comes so close to spending forever with for some reason unknown to me he still holds part of me the most important part of me my heart! And by damn I want it back only then can I totally be ok.

Falling

I tried to fix it and it all fell apart nothing leaves bigger holes in my heart, my empty heart tears streaming and the sting of them on my cheeks bitter sweet the love that was morning over lost that loved, alone in an empty room I sit trying not to feel the empty pit it grows in my stomach from the pain oh how it makes me sick, sick to think about the love once gained in the blink of an eye is lost.



I feel like my world is spinning my heart broken once more the pieces all over the floor. tell me when the hurt stops and the smiles return. one year five months seven days and countless hours, all gone over something that should have been nothing.
Where did it go wrong when did we lose ourselves when i thought our love was so strong. you already stopped saying you love me i question did you ever really? love me that is, i feel so lost shut down and broken if i wasn't messed up before i sure as hell am now.

barbie syndrom

Feeling plastic feeling fake how much more can I take? good fucking question I feel cold and hard numb and out of it all I wanna feel again I don't want to hurt and be sick to my stomach all the time. Love is blind it will take over your mind hold you in places you don't want to be I'm sick thinking about walking away my hair falls out my heart breaks i just would rather die than hurt myself and him like this. this is one time when i have to ask what did i do to deserve the men i have had in my life? will i ever get it right? will he ever stop making this so hard? i cry myself to sleep more often than not because when he makes me mad this is how it goes or when it's my fault i cry and granted i started it this time but it hurts the he doesn't like to be romantic he is sweet when i'm sick or hurt but on a day to day he barely touches me i have to whine and cry to get anything from him i gave all i had to give and got all this in return so i go cold and emotionless for my own good if there are no high expectations there is no fear and no pain so i remain played with and put on a shelf when he's done just like a barbie doll.

Waking up.

I feel cold and a little empty I woke up this morning to the realization that my cousin passed away I've known since last night but it didn't hit me for real till when I woke up today. We were close for a really long time and then as life often does it split us away so we weren't so close anymore so I question why do I feel so strange and empty and morn for someone I in a sense hardly knew? I do know part of it is because she was and is the strongest person I have ever met no matter how hard it got or how painful it was she never once wanted to talk about her problems to me it was always how are you? whats going on with you? never once did she complain to me about how bad things were or how much she hurt, it tends to make me feel guilty for spilling my guts to her when she had it worse I find myself wishing I had talked to her more when I had the chance. she will forever remain my hero and my inspiration to push on when times get hard and no matter how bad it hurts god always has a plan and a reason behind the things he does. The saying live every day as if it was your last has never rung more true then in this moment people die younger and younger every day so make every moment count and hold on to hope even when there isn't any left.