finding my way.

life has a twist one that I'm kinda glad i don't have control of hope is alive and well and I've never felt so alive in my entire life. changing is key to being a better person and sometimes it takes a giant slap in the face to make that happen it's strange but i like it i wouldn't go back to the pain and the sadness i'm happier than i have been in months things are finally getting better all because i never gave up hope.

letting the past become the past.....

Deep thinking and sleepless nights wondering what I could have done differently in me life drove me to distraction but I finally realized something as I was talking with my sister last night. It will never truly become the past unless I own up to it and come to terms that it happened I can't change it I can't go back I made my choice and now it's time to move on, now because this is very public place seeing as it is the internet I will not go into detail but if you would like to know my story feel free to ask. It is finally time to let it be okay and realize yes I could have stopped and walked away but I didn't so now I have to deal with it and let it become something a lived through and learned from, to stand up and say yes I've been there I've done that and shit happened that I wished hadn't and I refused to talk about it for about three years of life but I am finally getting to a point that I can't talk about it and hopefully one day speak out and help others who went through the same kind of thing. I am in a writing mood so I have decided it's time to start writing out my story in hopes that it might help someone and even if it doesn't my family and friends will none the less have a better understanding of me.

Holding on to what's left.

Things often suck these days and people keep promising be it will get better but it's not a promise they can keep, I've been deep thinking and I've decided it's time to stop caring about the fact that people are lying when they say things will get better
" I promise " stop making promises until you understand why I'm upset in the first place because then maybe when you say you promise it will get better you can mean it. No offense to anyone but please don't tell me you know how I feel until you know the whole story cause until you know what's going on chances are your just saying you know how I feel to try and make me feel better but it really doesn't. I've decided I need to hold on to what little happiness I have left in life and learn how to love myself and be truly happy again without those little things nothing will ever get better, I need to learn to give to myself sometimes instead of always giving to others.... now I know that sounds selfish but in my case and defense it's really not I give and give and give till I screw myself over and it's time to give back to myself and do something good for me. I titled this holding on to what's left for a reason emotion has been high and things have been crappy for the last three months but I have found what's left of the light after some deep thinking I have a few good friends left and a few people who love me as more than a friend it's just finding out which one is THE ONE for me. I have also decided it's better to be friends with those who deserve to be in your life even though they hurt you once than to hate them hating is a waist of time, I'm also holding onto my ability to self express you call it dark and sad I call it art with feeling! I am finally getting back to me after letting go of everything I once was and I am starting to know what it is to be truly who you were meant to be.

....

With every heart beat I miss you more and more, tears fill my eyes and stream down my checks as I wonder why? why did you have to go? you were my whole world I've never been so happy! why did you have to take that away? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong? all I did was love you with everything I am was that where I went wrong? Why am I not good enough for you? why did you every tell me you loved me if there was never anything there? everything I had was not enough for you but you and what you lacked was enough for me..... When you started to question I said take it all back! I didn't need the ring or stupid earthly things, you left a hole where my heart used to be that's all I have left a pit an empty space where once love lay but now is gone and like you it will never return. I can't stop loving you not even if I tried so here I sit alone again and every night I cry. I hope one day you realize just what you had and just what you lost.... and on that day I hope you come back to find me no longer lost or broken beaten down or torn apart I want you to know just how it feels to mend your broken heart, I will turn you away without second thought only for you to see just how to find that spot the empty hole the space of one's nonexistent heart considering I still wont have one since you ripped and tore it apart. How lonely you will be as you sit alone and cry and then you'll know how it feels to ask why? why me? why this? why that? why is the only thing that will cross your mind as you miss me and pine for my love that will no longer be what it once was.

To love and lose and keep on loving.

Love is supposed to be simple and last forever right? Wrong it doesn't and it's not, I met my perfect fit only to find it was to good to be true. I have loved and lost and kept on loving but this time was different he was perfect and seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of little did I know it was indeed just that a Dream a fake and about a month ago I finally woke up. To think I was actually dumb enough to think someone could actually truly love me, I've been in love before but it was never like this it was always easy to let go and to say goodbye but not this time this time hurt so bad I can't eat I don't sleep and all I think bout is him and no one else he's in my dreams he's in my thoughts 24/7 I can't make him go away I feel him even though he's not here, my things still smell like him everything reminds me of what we had and how happy I was for the first time. He walked into my life when I didn't want to love anyone and he walked out just when I actually needed someone, I feel like I'm going crazy it's never hurt this much to try and move on. It takes everything I have to pretend to be okay all the time I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I never wake up smiling like I once did because I wake up alone and know that he's not coming back to me. I don't know where I went wrong or how I could have done it different to make him stay, I want him back and I know he's never coming back and maybe it's what's best but there are things I just can't get over right now. I don't know weather to be angry or hurt I'm at a loss, he pride into my life and made me talk about things I tried to forget promised he'd help me through it and then left who does that? I'm messed up enough I didn't more help feeling it. I hate you so why can't I get you out of my head? you drive me crazy so why can't I stop missing you? you ripped out my heart like I never had one so why can't I stop loving you?

The dictionary defines the word love as.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.


I define the word love as.
1.betrayal
2.emotional abuse
3.mental abuse
4.physical abuse
5.lies
6.drugs
7.alcoholis\
8.anger
9.false emotion
10.PAIN

you might find yourself asking why do I define love in those thing?
And my answer is because that is until about four months ago all I ever knew of love and now again it's all I know of love. every person who has ever told me they loved me outside of my family members and close friends lied to get one thing or another from me, they never actually love me and they never will they are just as fake as I have to be now to get by in life. I feel nothing but sadness when I think of the word love.


Heartbreak is all I know for now but alas I can't stop loving him and I wish I could but I wont be able to until someone shows me what real love truly is.

this is it.....

Don't know what to think of things right now but pretty sure this is it... It's a complicated mess that may break me or god willing make things better. A change is in the air what that change is I can not speak of but indeed it is coming sooner than I had anticipated you might ask is it a change "for better or worse" there in lays the answer to the question. A change of heart a change of mind of body and soul.... Promise yourself one thing! it will in fact get better. we might hit a road block here and there but this I do promise it will all be okay, everything will be fine and yes my dear we can be happy now. we may fear it on the inside but on the outside make it look like you have nothing to fear, " no one can harm you without your permission" for the time is now to show the world what you are made of and give everything you have to offer to the one you love. Love may sound like a simple word in this case but in fact could have a million different meanings. Are you confused yet I know I am but that's the point this life of ours is a puzzle in which we must find out where the pieces fit.
show them we can make it work and that in the end it is us against the world.

What a day to give a damn

I loved you with no holding back and until this moment I still did even though you pushed me off the edge now I lay here shattered on the floor wishing for death waiting for the light..... it's not coming it never will your never coming back and neither are the pieces of my heart you took.`to love and to lose that's the way my life continues to go. I'm falling apart leave me here forever in the dark, for the day is vastly getting better in a hurry i wanted to cry and be depressed but i can't find it in myself i cried for a brief moment and now i'm fine and ready to be ok, shortly after i calmed myself i realized it's going to be ok and life is going to be great i will be nothing but happy and there will be someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. I AM BEAUTIFUL! and i know for a fact there is someone out there right now who thinks that and they haven't even met me yet...

Finally!

I'm finally starting to be ok with the way things are yes I still suck at being alone but somehow I have managed to find a simple small kind of happiness that keeps me going, I think things will look up more soon what with school starting and what not.
it's still hard to see his face he likes to pretend it never happened, we were never together a sad attempt to forget and be happy at best I know he still hurts like I do he can't hide it from me, I've tried everything to replace him or be mad at him but I can't it doesn't work I still love him more than I should I can't help it he is the only one I've ever comes so close to spending forever with for some reason unknown to me he still holds part of me the most important part of me my heart! And by damn I want it back only then can I totally be ok.

Falling

I tried to fix it and it all fell apart nothing leaves bigger holes in my heart, my empty heart tears streaming and the sting of them on my cheeks bitter sweet the love that was morning over lost that loved, alone in an empty room I sit trying not to feel the empty pit it grows in my stomach from the pain oh how it makes me sick, sick to think about the love once gained in the blink of an eye is lost.



I feel like my world is spinning my heart broken once more the pieces all over the floor. tell me when the hurt stops and the smiles return. one year five months seven days and countless hours, all gone over something that should have been nothing.
Where did it go wrong when did we lose ourselves when i thought our love was so strong. you already stopped saying you love me i question did you ever really? love me that is, i feel so lost shut down and broken if i wasn't messed up before i sure as hell am now.

barbie syndrom

Feeling plastic feeling fake how much more can I take? good fucking question I feel cold and hard numb and out of it all I wanna feel again I don't want to hurt and be sick to my stomach all the time. Love is blind it will take over your mind hold you in places you don't want to be I'm sick thinking about walking away my hair falls out my heart breaks i just would rather die than hurt myself and him like this. this is one time when i have to ask what did i do to deserve the men i have had in my life? will i ever get it right? will he ever stop making this so hard? i cry myself to sleep more often than not because when he makes me mad this is how it goes or when it's my fault i cry and granted i started it this time but it hurts the he doesn't like to be romantic he is sweet when i'm sick or hurt but on a day to day he barely touches me i have to whine and cry to get anything from him i gave all i had to give and got all this in return so i go cold and emotionless for my own good if there are no high expectations there is no fear and no pain so i remain played with and put on a shelf when he's done just like a barbie doll.

Waking up.

I feel cold and a little empty I woke up this morning to the realization that my cousin passed away I've known since last night but it didn't hit me for real till when I woke up today. We were close for a really long time and then as life often does it split us away so we weren't so close anymore so I question why do I feel so strange and empty and morn for someone I in a sense hardly knew? I do know part of it is because she was and is the strongest person I have ever met no matter how hard it got or how painful it was she never once wanted to talk about her problems to me it was always how are you? whats going on with you? never once did she complain to me about how bad things were or how much she hurt, it tends to make me feel guilty for spilling my guts to her when she had it worse I find myself wishing I had talked to her more when I had the chance. she will forever remain my hero and my inspiration to push on when times get hard and no matter how bad it hurts god always has a plan and a reason behind the things he does. The saying live every day as if it was your last has never rung more true then in this moment people die younger and younger every day so make every moment count and hold on to hope even when there isn't any left.

My own white knight

I'm not a damsel in distress! you are not my white knight! and I don't need saving I saved myself along time ago.

I don't ask for help because it's pointless when I don't need it I'm an independent woman and I always will be there is no changing that it's the way I was raised and I don't see a problem with it, I've always told myself I want to be in a relationship with someone because I want to be with that person not because I need that person because needing someone just to get by is not a real relationship nor is it real love it's a form of clingy self loathing and a fear of being alone, well I no longer free being alone because I'd rather be alone than feel the pain of a needy relationship.

Forgive me men of the world for not being to one who needs taking care of it's just not in my nature and never will be, because the one time I let someone take care of me they hurt me and sucked the life right out of me and that's the last thing I want. Love is not supposed to hurt, it's not supposed to be messy or make you want to scream however it is supposed to sometimes be complicated.

screaming, yelling, walking away, none of these are ways to handle the problems found in the complications of love. The mature thing to do is talk about it share just how you feel tears not a bad thing to share except when they are out of anger.

The point of all this writing is Cody and I had a huge fight last night and we almost lost each other to the anger, if things end with us I don't want it to be out of anger I want it to be an agreement that we just can't be happy together as lovers, I tend to make it a goal well more of a habit than a goal to stay friends with the people I once loved because they are some of the best friends I have and I wouldn't want to lose them.


Trying to fix the problem is a lot harder than creating the problem. Not knowing how to make this all ok is driving me crazy the thoughts of hiding in a bottle of pills or a nice strong drink cross my mind at every turn to just make it all go away but I know it wont fix it because it will still be there when I wake up in the morning. I need to make it right not cover it up, there is a pit in my stomach telling me this isn't going to be the happy ending I thought it would be.

Life it's about time.

I have decided that instead of waiting around for something that might not ever happen I'm going to grab life with both hands and do something about making my dreams come true. I might not always get what I want but this is the one thing I want and I will have come hell or high water I'm tried of settling for the things I don't necessarily want it's pointless it doesn't make me happy, so I'm reaching for the stars and going after what I truly want. In the coming months I have decided to move myself to Rexburg Idaho as of today I sent in the enrollment form for the hair academy that's right I'm finally making my dream of being a hair dresser come true and I've never felt more proud of myself than I do right now. True it's not by any means going to be easy but when it's something i want as bad as this it's going to be well worth the sacrifice, I'm saying goodbye to childhood and becoming the woman I want to be, something are going to need to majorly change in the next little while for everything to fit in my perfectly imperfect picture.

stopping to look at life.

Today has been one of those days where a lot of things have gone wrong and i whined to a lot of people but then I stopped because I came across my cousins blog, and I realized no things aren't great in life right now where I stand but they could be worse she has been through more crap than I will ever have to go through and does she stop and complain never once have I heard her say poor me why me nothing of that sort, so I have to ask myself what exactly do I have to say poor me about? I have to say if you ever read this cuz your are the greatest example in my life of how to be strong and push forward no matter what life throws at you.

Life is what you make it and instead of whining and worrying about what other people think I am going to be strong no matter what.
I can make things better for myself instead of sitting around doing nothing about it and whining about life, only one person can fix my problems and that is me!

Lift your head up tomorrow is always brighter than today.

I make the path for myself and god has a big plan for me nothing and no one will ever get in the way of my dreams.

I am a strong woman and no one can tell me otherwise and anyone who tries can just piss of your not worth my time.


I learned from someone stronger than I will ever be to go forward in life no matter how much it hurts.