finding my way.

life has a twist one that I'm kinda glad i don't have control of hope is alive and well and I've never felt so alive in my entire life. changing is key to being a better person and sometimes it takes a giant slap in the face to make that happen it's strange but i like it i wouldn't go back to the pain and the sadness i'm happier than i have been in months things are finally getting better all because i never gave up hope.

letting the past become the past.....

Deep thinking and sleepless nights wondering what I could have done differently in me life drove me to distraction but I finally realized something as I was talking with my sister last night. It will never truly become the past unless I own up to it and come to terms that it happened I can't change it I can't go back I made my choice and now it's time to move on, now because this is very public place seeing as it is the internet I will not go into detail but if you would like to know my story feel free to ask. It is finally time to let it be okay and realize yes I could have stopped and walked away but I didn't so now I have to deal with it and let it become something a lived through and learned from, to stand up and say yes I've been there I've done that and shit happened that I wished hadn't and I refused to talk about it for about three years of life but I am finally getting to a point that I can't talk about it and hopefully one day speak out and help others who went through the same kind of thing. I am in a writing mood so I have decided it's time to start writing out my story in hopes that it might help someone and even if it doesn't my family and friends will none the less have a better understanding of me.

Holding on to what's left.

Things often suck these days and people keep promising be it will get better but it's not a promise they can keep, I've been deep thinking and I've decided it's time to stop caring about the fact that people are lying when they say things will get better
" I promise " stop making promises until you understand why I'm upset in the first place because then maybe when you say you promise it will get better you can mean it. No offense to anyone but please don't tell me you know how I feel until you know the whole story cause until you know what's going on chances are your just saying you know how I feel to try and make me feel better but it really doesn't. I've decided I need to hold on to what little happiness I have left in life and learn how to love myself and be truly happy again without those little things nothing will ever get better, I need to learn to give to myself sometimes instead of always giving to others.... now I know that sounds selfish but in my case and defense it's really not I give and give and give till I screw myself over and it's time to give back to myself and do something good for me. I titled this holding on to what's left for a reason emotion has been high and things have been crappy for the last three months but I have found what's left of the light after some deep thinking I have a few good friends left and a few people who love me as more than a friend it's just finding out which one is THE ONE for me. I have also decided it's better to be friends with those who deserve to be in your life even though they hurt you once than to hate them hating is a waist of time, I'm also holding onto my ability to self express you call it dark and sad I call it art with feeling! I am finally getting back to me after letting go of everything I once was and I am starting to know what it is to be truly who you were meant to be.

....

With every heart beat I miss you more and more, tears fill my eyes and stream down my checks as I wonder why? why did you have to go? you were my whole world I've never been so happy! why did you have to take that away? was I not good enough? did I do something wrong? all I did was love you with everything I am was that where I went wrong? Why am I not good enough for you? why did you every tell me you loved me if there was never anything there? everything I had was not enough for you but you and what you lacked was enough for me..... When you started to question I said take it all back! I didn't need the ring or stupid earthly things, you left a hole where my heart used to be that's all I have left a pit an empty space where once love lay but now is gone and like you it will never return. I can't stop loving you not even if I tried so here I sit alone again and every night I cry. I hope one day you realize just what you had and just what you lost.... and on that day I hope you come back to find me no longer lost or broken beaten down or torn apart I want you to know just how it feels to mend your broken heart, I will turn you away without second thought only for you to see just how to find that spot the empty hole the space of one's nonexistent heart considering I still wont have one since you ripped and tore it apart. How lonely you will be as you sit alone and cry and then you'll know how it feels to ask why? why me? why this? why that? why is the only thing that will cross your mind as you miss me and pine for my love that will no longer be what it once was.

To love and lose and keep on loving.

Love is supposed to be simple and last forever right? Wrong it doesn't and it's not, I met my perfect fit only to find it was to good to be true. I have loved and lost and kept on loving but this time was different he was perfect and seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of little did I know it was indeed just that a Dream a fake and about a month ago I finally woke up. To think I was actually dumb enough to think someone could actually truly love me, I've been in love before but it was never like this it was always easy to let go and to say goodbye but not this time this time hurt so bad I can't eat I don't sleep and all I think bout is him and no one else he's in my dreams he's in my thoughts 24/7 I can't make him go away I feel him even though he's not here, my things still smell like him everything reminds me of what we had and how happy I was for the first time. He walked into my life when I didn't want to love anyone and he walked out just when I actually needed someone, I feel like I'm going crazy it's never hurt this much to try and move on. It takes everything I have to pretend to be okay all the time I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I never wake up smiling like I once did because I wake up alone and know that he's not coming back to me. I don't know where I went wrong or how I could have done it different to make him stay, I want him back and I know he's never coming back and maybe it's what's best but there are things I just can't get over right now. I don't know weather to be angry or hurt I'm at a loss, he pride into my life and made me talk about things I tried to forget promised he'd help me through it and then left who does that? I'm messed up enough I didn't more help feeling it. I hate you so why can't I get you out of my head? you drive me crazy so why can't I stop missing you? you ripped out my heart like I never had one so why can't I stop loving you?

The dictionary defines the word love as.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.
a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.
sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.
( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.
affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.
strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.
the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.
the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.
Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14.
a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.


I define the word love as.
1.betrayal
2.emotional abuse
3.mental abuse
4.physical abuse
5.lies
6.drugs
7.alcoholis\
8.anger
9.false emotion
10.PAIN

you might find yourself asking why do I define love in those thing?
And my answer is because that is until about four months ago all I ever knew of love and now again it's all I know of love. every person who has ever told me they loved me outside of my family members and close friends lied to get one thing or another from me, they never actually love me and they never will they are just as fake as I have to be now to get by in life. I feel nothing but sadness when I think of the word love.


Heartbreak is all I know for now but alas I can't stop loving him and I wish I could but I wont be able to until someone shows me what real love truly is.

this is it.....

Don't know what to think of things right now but pretty sure this is it... It's a complicated mess that may break me or god willing make things better. A change is in the air what that change is I can not speak of but indeed it is coming sooner than I had anticipated you might ask is it a change "for better or worse" there in lays the answer to the question. A change of heart a change of mind of body and soul.... Promise yourself one thing! it will in fact get better. we might hit a road block here and there but this I do promise it will all be okay, everything will be fine and yes my dear we can be happy now. we may fear it on the inside but on the outside make it look like you have nothing to fear, " no one can harm you without your permission" for the time is now to show the world what you are made of and give everything you have to offer to the one you love. Love may sound like a simple word in this case but in fact could have a million different meanings. Are you confused yet I know I am but that's the point this life of ours is a puzzle in which we must find out where the pieces fit.
show them we can make it work and that in the end it is us against the world.

What a day to give a damn

I loved you with no holding back and until this moment I still did even though you pushed me off the edge now I lay here shattered on the floor wishing for death waiting for the light..... it's not coming it never will your never coming back and neither are the pieces of my heart you took.`to love and to lose that's the way my life continues to go. I'm falling apart leave me here forever in the dark, for the day is vastly getting better in a hurry i wanted to cry and be depressed but i can't find it in myself i cried for a brief moment and now i'm fine and ready to be ok, shortly after i calmed myself i realized it's going to be ok and life is going to be great i will be nothing but happy and there will be someone who will treat me the way i deserve to be treated. I AM BEAUTIFUL! and i know for a fact there is someone out there right now who thinks that and they haven't even met me yet...